My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
