listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
