You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
