i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize