I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
