i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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