bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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