The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
