haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the condom got lost in my hair
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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