I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
