Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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