My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
