shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
