i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
