wanna go halves on a baby?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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