remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
