I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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