aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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