dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
