The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
