you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
