The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize