I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
