if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
