It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
