if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
