Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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