Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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