In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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