thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
