I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
