My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
