On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
