I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
