I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
