Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
