Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
