in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize