if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
