Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm just crazy horny about you
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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