I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
