A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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