In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
