Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize