Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
