he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
