It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
