So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
