Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
