i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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