You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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