This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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