i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
