What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
