I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm passing your future prison.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize