I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
