you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
