Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
